Kate Upton mulls over a high school prom proposition, Philly Fans give Andrew Bynum the boot – in a very classy way of course – my take on the worst kept secret in sports and watch Tom Brady teach the Easter Bunny to show off all in this week’s That Thing You Missed.
Have you heard the one about the pretty boy quarterback doing a commercial to try to sell the idea he totally thinks about people other than himself, his super-model wife and their mansion with a moat?
Watch how likeable I am! See! I told you!
Well, Tom Brady does one of those every year.
The only thing enjoyable or remotely funny about these videos for me is that I picture Gisele inside that bunny suit.
This California Senior had the balls to do what every man in America with decent eyesight has always dreamed about: He asked Kate Upton out.
And high school senior Jake Davidson didn’t just ask her out on a regular ‘ol date – he invited her to his prom via a YouTube video gone viral.
Guess what guys? He actually got an answer.
Days later the Sports Illustrated stunner called in while Jake was being interviewed on national TV to let him know she’s checking her schedule.
I, for one, hope she’s too busy cavorting with Justin Verlander to make it.
For starters, he’s some wealthy wise-ass kid from Beverly Hills. Can’t he afford to rent a date for the love of God?
More importantly, how unfair would it be to all the other girls in his class? I can’t think of anything worse on prom than having to compete for my date’s attention with Kate Upton! As if worrying about getting busted with alcohol isn’t a distraction enough!
So in solidarity with insecure young women everywhere – I’m begging you – stay at home Katie! Please!
Knee Deep in Sympathy?
New York Sports fans get a lot of heat for acting out of control. I, however, would take a rabid Jets fan over a Philly fan any day of the week.
Philadelphia is not like the rest of Pennsylvania, no, no! We are not talking the Poconos, here. We are dealing with street-smart, wise-ass city folk and dudes from South Jersey – a breed all it’s own.
Philly fans cheer when opposing players are seriously injured, they boo Santa Clause, attack visiting fans, even visiting players and they are notorious for brawling with each other!
So I ask you, what the hell was Doug Collins thinking when he asked 76’ers fans to pray for Andrew Bynum after announcing the all-star center was having surgery and won’t play a single game for the struggling team this season.
Did I mention he got paid nearly $17 million this year?
Pray? If I were Doug Collins I’d pray no one outside of the NBA had my home address.
So the morning show on 94 WIP in Philadelphia did they best thing they could possibly do for Sixer’s fans while simultaneously keeping them out of the clink.
The made a gigantic “Get Well Out Soon” card and hundreds of people clamored to sign it within just a few hours.
Now, if only we could arrange for Bynum to get his hair cut.
Pot Meet Kettle
And the worst kept dating secret in the sports world was confirmed on Monday.
Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn took to Facebook to let the world know they are “in a relationship” with a series of cheesy studio photos of the couple together (donning the clothing of their respective endorsement labels of course). And a PR-written proclamation of “like” so benign it’s hard to imagine the sports duo has ever seen each other naked.
Ah, Facebook. When sending your private jet for a woman overseas just isn’t enough.
I suggest they both just change their relationship status to “it’s complicated.”
But you didn’t “miss” that story, did you? What you might have missed is Woods’ explanation on why the pair went public.
Tiger said he wanted to devalue any future “stalkarazzi” photos on “sleazy websites.”
Oh. Gossip websites are sleazy, are they Tiger? Kinda like a man who cheats on this wife with married moms, porn stars and pancake house waitresses working in restaurants across the contiguous United States and Hawaii?
And we can’t have that, now can we?
My disdain for the Harlem Shake is legendary and well documented.
So when I got word Les Miles, one of my all-time favorite figures in college football coaching, a man known for his unconventional play calling and enormous risk taking, jumped on this hot mess band wagon, I began to weep gently at my desk.
But, of course, I had to watch.
I actually got a chuckle for the first 25 seconds. ‘Cause here’s my secret: I mute the sound.
Now, I’m just begging Alabama not to retaliate. They have already annoyed me enough.
Check out my other columns here.
I want to hear from you! Got a fun story sports fans may have missed? Or an obscure, silly and perhaps gossipy tale we didn’t cover? E-mail Tara Lipinsky at firstname.lastname@example.org or send me a Tweet @TaraLipinsky.