Tale Of The Tape: NHL Negotiations Vs. A Bad Date

With the NHL lockout leading to the cancellation of more and more of the hockey season, the negotiations of commissioner Gary Bettman between the players union and team owners are looking less like a labor dispute with sports professionals and more like a bad date with someone your parents introduced you to. Are these contract disputes truly better or worse than your worst dating experience? Let’s take a look at the facts.

NHL Negotiations
Bad Dates
NHL Media Availability
Being Stood Up
Locks you out of your workplace for months with security guards at the ready.
Winner Leaves you drinking water and eating table bread at a restaurant for over an hour before letting you know they can’t make it.
Who's Involved
People who look like your grandfather with way too much make-up on and nothing like someone who had ever picked up a hockey stick.
Winner Someone who looks like your grandfather with way too much make-up on and nothing like that online personal you replied to.
Meeting Point
Winner Undisclosed locations that sound like dingy basements with blood-spattered walls and one fluorescent light bulb in the middle.
A self-help seminar on how to trust people again after your parents put your dog to sleep and tell you he ran away.
Winner Talks about money in a way only accountants and financial analysts can understand.
Talks about money in a way only accountants and financial analysts would, as far as they know.
Possible 2nd Date?
Winner Abruptly breaks off talks and doesn’t speak to the other party for a week.
Runs crying from the restaurant and calls you up a week later to tell you, “we should do this again.”
Outsider Perspective
Winner More action and drama than the NHL has had as a sport in years.
Winner Hilarious to everyone involved except the two people on the actual date.

The Winner Is

NHL Media Availability
Winner NHL Negotiations
4 out of 6

After some careful consideration and thoughtful review, its been determined that the NHL Negotiations are worse than a bad date. Why? Because not even a federally appointed mediator can't help fix the problem.


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