Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB

Colin Kaepernick
Video Game QB
Divisional Playoffs - Green Bay Packers v San Franciso 49ers
NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana
Rating in Madden ‘13?
80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.
Winner 99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!
Better Name?
While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
Winner Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
Winner Nevada. Not your typical football factory, right? But hey, we all love underdog stories!
Pfft. Probably Ohio State or Florida or something. How can you live with yourself?
Most Impressive Performance?
Winner In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.
It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.
Winner All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.
While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.
Has an Awesome Pet?
Winner When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?

The Winner Is

Divisional Playoffs - Green Bay Packers v San Franciso 49ers
Winner Colin Kaepernick
4 out of 6

The Verdict? Colin Kaepernick, 4-2! Let’s see if he can keep this mojo going in the playoffs!


  1. MINNEAPOLIS, MN - OCTOBER 9: Quarterback Brock Osweiler #17 of the Houston Texans drops back to pass during the first quarter of the game on October 9, 2016 at US Bank Stadium in Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images) SAN DIEGO, CA - OCTOBER 13:  Trevor Siemian #13 of the Denver Broncos warms up before the game against the San Diego Chargers at Qualcomm Stadium on October 13, 2016 in San Diego, California.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
    Week 7 Tale Of The Tape: Houston Texans At Denver Broncos

    The Broncos square off against their former QB as they welcome in Brock Osweiler and the Texans.

  2. SEATTLE, WA - OCTOBER 16:  Quarterback Russell Wilson #3 of the Seattle Seahawks passes against the Atlanta Falcons at CenturyLink Field on October 16, 2016 in Seattle, Washington.  (Photo by Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images) GLENDALE, AZ - OCTOBER 17:  Quarterback Carson Palmer #3 of the Arizona Cardinals looks to make a pass against the New York Jets in the first half of the NFL game at University of Phoenix Stadium on October 17, 2016 in Glendale, Arizona.  (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)
    Week 7 Tale Of The Tape: Seattle Seahawks At Arizona Cardinals

    The Seahawks face their NFC West foe on the road as the Cardinals look to get above .500 for the first time this season.

  3. FOXBORO, MA - OCTOBER 16:  Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots prepares to receive a snap during the game against the Cincinnati Bengals at Gillette Stadium on October 16, 2016 in Foxboro, Massachusetts.  (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images) PHILADELPHIA, PA - SEPTEMBER 25:  Quarterback  Landry Jones #3 of the Pittsburgh Steelers throws a pass during warm ups before playing against the Philadelphia Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field on September 25, 2016 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  (Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images)
    Week 7 Tale Of The Tape: New England Patriots At Pittsburgh Steelers

    The Patriots are riding high and now face a Steelers team who will be without their starting QB.

See All Tales of the Tape

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